Paul and Rodney Murphy

The video is just photos taken of our wedding in SF back in 2008 (we're one of 18,000 same-sex couples still legally married in CA). We've relocated to Durham NC from San Francisco.



Paul and I were living in San Francisco when we met in November 2000. I didn’t know at the time that he would be the one.

We dated and we both felt connected with each other but we were still “just dating.” The true test came up in August 2001 when Paul left for Boston to start graduate school. He would be gone two years getting a masters degree. I stayed in San Francisco, but we remained a couple despite the distance. After his graduation he returned to California and we set up a home together. We had survived the distance and grew more committed despite the hardship of the separation.

In February 2004 San Francisco started performing marriages for same-sex couples. The morning it started Paul and I were on a plane to Ft. Lauderdale to visit a friend. When we arrived at the airport in Florida I had a message on my phone. An old friend called to ask us down to City Hall to witness his marriage to his partner. Paul and I were having a good time in Florida, but we longed to return home to see our friends getting married.

When we got home several days later, we biked to City Hall to see if we could get hitched. Thousands of other couples had had the same idea. The line of people hoping to be legally married snaked around inside and then outside the building. There was no hope that we’d reach the office that day, but we did make an appointment to be married – the first available appointment two months away. Unfortunately, the California Supreme Court halted all same-sex marriages before we got to our appointment.

When same-sex marriage was again made legal for same-sex couples in 2008, I was overjoyed. Never much of a romantic, I turned to Paul one night and asked if he wanted to … you know … do what we tried to do several years ago … like get married. I fumbled for the words. It felt monumental to me, that awkward proposal. He nonchalantly said "yeah, sure" and we set a date, July 10th, 2008. Paul had been accepted to the PhD program at UNC Chapel Hill in Public Health. I was finishing up my masters degree in San Francisco. We were facing another year apart, my last year at school and the first year of his.

We decided to marry at San Francisco City Hall, the beautiful Beaux Arts civic structure. When an old friend told me that she and her husband had married there 20 years ago and ever since have referred to the building as “the church where we were married,” I knew we had picked the right location.

Another bonus of City Hall was that the city limited the number of attendees at weddings. We wanted a small ceremony; this would reinforce our choice. About a month before the ceremony, and after invitations had been sent to only our immediate families, my mother called. She said that her closest friend just happened to be flying in from Colorado for a visit the day before our wedding. “Great mom, what will she be doing while you’re at the ceremony?” She quickly assumed full “mothering” mode. “She was there the day you were born. She must be there on this day, your wedding day!” Paul and I discussed this and relented. She could come but no more.

The next night I got a call from my mom. “Marge and Marie must come to your wedding too! They were there the day you were born. They can’t miss it!” Fearing that a pattern was emerging, I said no and stuck to it. Saying no to my mother and two longstanding family friends was difficult, but I reminded her of the reception we’d be having two days later and told her that everyone was welcome to come to our party on that day. It was a strange insight that this, too, is what marriage equality looks like.

The day of our wedding was amazing. Other couples, gay and straight, mixed in the lobby of the building. Some couples were waiting, like us, for their ceremony. Other couples were jubilantly leaving the building with their families. The atmosphere was so incredibly festive. We had each of our mothers serve as witnesses on our marriage certificate. The judge who officiated spoke of love and commitment – all a blur since I couldn’t hear through my happiness. We had a wonderful dinner at one of our favorite restaurants and afterwards danced the evening away at the swanky Top of the Mark, in the Mark Hopkins hotel on Nob Hill. The city was at our feet and everyone in the room congratulated us on our nuptials.

Proposition 8 stopped same-sex marriages in California, but the California Supreme Court ruled that our marriage, along with approximately 18,000 others, would remain valid. We were lucky, though I still feel a bit of guilt for having been in the right place and time with the right guy. When I think about the future of marriage equality, I think about all those couples patiently waiting for their own beautiful wedding day.

Creating a Family with Frank and Gary

When Gary and I moved to Winston-Salem from Atlanta in 1993, we were, as far as we knew, the first and only gay couple to move into the neighborhood.

We noticed cars slowing down when they would pass our house, and people would stop and stare when walking through the area. We later learned from our next door neighbor that there was a lot of curiosity and concern about us. There is a tradition of a neighborhood Christmas party which we were encouraged to attend in order to meet our neighbors. It is a covered dish party, no alcohol, and lasts about two hours. When we attended, we sensed some discomfort, but much more curiosity. They had absolutely no idea of how we lived, if we would have a positive or negative effect on the neighborhood, or if they should even feel threatened.

We decided that the next function would be at our home. We drew up invitations, prepared all the food, and had an open bar. At the appointed time, about 50 people showed up - mostly because they couldn’t contain their curiosity. One of the first folks to come in looked around and loudly exclaimed “it looks just like a real home.”

About one in the morning, we started showing people to the door. After wandering around the house and enjoying our food and drinks, they grasped that we lived in a “real home”, but they couldn’t quite make the connection that we were also - a family. Their definition of that was a man, a woman, and children; not two men and a dog.

So, just what is it that makes a family? And, more importantly, to whom and why should it even matter?

Could it be other than a combination of one man and one woman, with or without children? Could it be two men or two women – with our without children? Could it be a man and woman in a non sexual relationship? Remember “Will & Grace”? What about single parents who never marry, grandparents and divorced people raising children, widows, widowers, and blended step families? We create all kinds and degrees of family. They range from blood relations to legal partners to those formed as a term of endearment. There are family- like groups based on religion, geography, and ethnicity. There are even committed, caring relationships providing a sense of belonging found in business, the military, and sports. Each created relationship meets the specific needs of its members.

“Family” is also a word with many resonations. The anti-gay industry uses it for many of their organizations. For example, Focus on the Family, The Family Research Council, and the American Family Association are but a few. There is even a strange right wing cult, populated by politicians, that calls itself “The Family.” Jeff Sharlet has written a book about them that will keep you awake at night.

Gary and I find that we must name and invent our family relationship in a world that does not culturally or legally support our existence nor understand an egalitarian companionship. We found that we had to decide how we would define ourselves to others such as our relatives, co-workers, doctors, lawyers, friends, and even our religious community. “Lover” sends a disconcerting sexual image to most straight people, “partner” invokes a business interest, “significant other” seems forced, and “friend” is totally insufficient. So, we use - “spouse.”

Bringing children into the equation raises more issues and inflames our adversaries. They say we will be responsible for inflicting pain on innocent beings? We are challenged to ask ourselves if we are expanding our family out of selfishness or self less ness?

When folks loudly disparage the authenticity of gay couples raising children on the basis that it is impossible and shout, “How can a same sex couple have children?” I smile and gently answer, “It’s a miracle!”

Pam and Kate Marry

By Pam Spaulding, of Pam's House Blend.



I am a native North Carolinian, and a happily married woman. My spouse, Kate and I married July 1, 2004, at 11 AM in the morning at the Apricot Cat and Black Dog Bed & Breakfast in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada.

At that time it was the only place we could legally marry in North America. Today, our marriage is recognized in a few states -- Connecticut, Iowa, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Vermont, and Washington, D.C.; the Coquille Indian Tribe in Oregon also grants same-sex marriage. New York, Rhode Island, and Maryland recognizes same-sex marriages, but they are not granted.

The 1996 Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) was signed into law by President Bill Clinton, and it allowed states not to recognize legal same-sex marriages performed in other states.

DOMA is clearly unconstitutional from a common sense perspective -- there is no sane justification for the fact that when Kate and I get on a plane and fly to New York that we're married, and when we return to North Carolina we're not. North Carolina fortunately has not passed a marriage amendment due to the hard work of Equality NC and allies in the General Assembly; our state, however does have its own DOMA to ensure our union is not recognized.

Yet my state-issued drivers license is valid in all 50 states. What's the difference? It's really that simple - we're talking about the culture of marriage, the heterosupremacy, the church/state conflation of marriage.

Our legislators are behind the times when it comes to cultural change on marriage. We live in North Carolina and have not experienced discrimination when introduced as a married couple. Most of the time we're asked where we got married and whether it is legal -- that is, of course, an ice breaker and opportunity to educate people about the fact that we may be married, civil unioned, domestic partners or strangers in the eyes of the law depending on what state we are in. People are usually perplexed, and even in a state with a good level of cultural conservatism, it's hard to dismiss us as unworthy of rights when it's a one-to-one conversation with a same-sex couple willing to speak about the issue.

Visibility challenges assumptions; show willingness to explain to potential allies how your legal-somewhere-else marriage is denied where you live. The fact is we will prove by example that our relationships will not cause an end to anyone else's marriage or destroy society, and it will move all of us closer to full civil equality.


You can see photos and stories included in our wedding album here.

Motherhood- Kathleen and Catherine

Catherine and Kathleen McAuley spoke with NPR's Dick Gordon, host of The Story with Dick Gordon on May 31, 2007 about their decision to have children together. Below is the email that Kathleen sent when she first got in touch with the show.

The photograph shows Kathleen McAuley (on the right) and Catherine McAuley, with their children Kace, Rowan and Georgia.

What makes a mom?

My partner and I are about 30 and having our first child, a son, due June 6, 2007. She is the one who is pregnant. We have been together for 6 years, she has changed her last name to my last name and if it were legal I'd marry her in a minute.

But, as the partner who is not "having" the baby, it's a real challenge to share the joy of simply being an expectant mom. It's hard because not only is it pretty obvious that I'm not 7 months pregnant so how could I be having a son in two months, people always want to know and feel totally comfortable asking intimate details about, "How did you decide who was going to get pregnant? Is the donor someone you know? How are you going to explain the gay thing to your kid?" and on and on and on. It's never the usual, "You'll be so tired, it's the most amazing thing" but more like, "Soooo, what's going to happen if you break up?"

And people ask us these questions like we've never thought of these things - they completely assume so many things. he hardest part is just being able to tell already that I, somehow, come off as not a "real" parent or as less of a mom than my partner simply because she is the one who is pregnant. And, I know from many groups and lists that I belong to and friends that I have, that this is a problem through gay communities in this country and I've always wanted to hear a story from my side, the side of the woman who is, too, having her first baby - but not giving birth. I think it would be an eye opening experience for gay and straight people alike to hear this story - and I'd be happy to share mine.

She did share her story, and you can listen here.

Love Without Borders- Ed and Tim

I met Tim at a bar in Raleigh. I had been out for a couple of years, had experienced a short romance, and had been single again for a few months. It was early on a Friday night, and the bar wasn’t crowded. I was talking with friends and saw him come in and take a seat by himself. I knew I’d regret it if I didn’t speak. So I did.

He was from New Brunswick, Canada, and had just moved to town when I met him, so we spent the evening touring downtown Raleigh. We shared our first kiss on the street near City Market, and I invited him to be my date for a Holiday party at my brother’s home the following night.

I wasn’t really looking for a relationship, but I found the love of my life that night. This coming December will mark the 11^th anniversary of our meeting, the beginning of our family.

Though we can’t legally get married, we’ve been with each other through sickness and health, through good times and bad times, through joy and through sorrow. We’ve made friends, and we’ve created a home. We’ve celebrated holidays, and we have lost friends and family members. Through it all Tim has been my constant. Tim is my family.

Our biggest sorrow, though, is yet to come. Because we are gay and cannot get married, the United States doesn’t recognize us for immigration. To the United States, we are strangers, and because of that, I have to watch Tim board a plan and leave me for a year. His visa is up, and to be eligible again, he must leave the country for 365 consecutive days… and I can’t do a damn thing about it.

To show your support for Ed and Tim's immigration struggle, visit their Facebook page.

A North Carolina Love Story - Jake and Ted

Like a lot of couples, we met in college. But before we were both calling Raleigh home, we grew up with very different backgrounds.

I was raised with a small family in Mt. Airy, the small town that was the inspiration for Mayberry. I was accustomed to neighborhoods surrounded by cow pastures, a high school surrounded by green fields full of crops, and mountains ever present on the horizon. Ted grew up in Charlotte, the state’s largest city, with four siblings, and a city skyline in the distance. Fast forward a few years to my freshman year in college, and we’re both living in the state capital on North Carolina State’s campus. Living in neighboring red brick dorms, we were bound to meet. That meeting finally happened by my second semester in college, shortly before spring break. Like many colleges with dorm living, at NCSU you are booted off campus during holidays and breaks, and sent home to live with your families for a week. This can pose a challenge to a brand-new relationship, because, as everyone knows, a week apart is an eternity for a young couple. However, this love story does have a happy ending.

We’ve been happily married now for slightly more than a year and been together for over seven years. Although I came from a small family, we are now both a part of a very large family (that's a picture of all of us above), and I wouldn’t have it any other way. We were married in Boston with our families present, and had a wonderful reception in our current home town, Chapel Hill, with nearly a hundred family members and friends.

These days, Ted is a graduate student at UNC and I’m a graduate student at NCSU. We are happy to live in the only southern state without a marriage discrimination constitutional amendment, and look forward to the day when our marriage is fully and equally recognized. Although we may be a house divided between the Tar Heels and the Wolfpack, we couldn’t be happier or more in love.

Jax's Story- Shana, Megan and Jax

The best thing about being a new mom is watching my son learn and grow. Jax was born with Cerebral Palsy and did not start receiving early intervention until he moved to North Carolina to be our son. He is physically and developmentally delayed, but is making up for lost time with new milestones everyday. He is truly amazing and we couldn't feel any luckier to have the family that we have.

Jax was immediately put into foster care because of his birth mother's history and we found him on a special needs adoption website in Texas. A lot of people wondered why we would want to adopt a child with special needs. The short version of the story is that Megan and I were ready to adopt and because of our experiences with the special needs community, we felt comfortable caring for a child with special needs. We already had Mary (an older woman with multiple disabilities who we care for and lives with us), volunteered at the special education school in our city, and Megan had over 12 years of experience working with adults and kids with special needs. We chose to look in Texas because North Carolina has a contract with Texas so that they pretty much treat the adoptions as if they were coming from their home state because Texas, being a bigger state, has more children in foster care.

Because Megan and I are same-sex partners, only one of us is able to legally adopt- even though we both went through the necessary foster-to-adopt training. Megan is Jax's legal guardian and once the adoption is finalized in September, I will have to sue her for parental rights in order to be his second parent. It is a simple $40 civil suit, but the principle of the matter is that we have both been his moms since he came home in March. I take that back, we have both been his moms since the day we saw his picture and profile online and submitted our home-study to his social worker in Texas. We never inquired on another kid, even as the months passed. We knew it was against the odds that they would pick a couple of lesbians from NC out of all of the home-studies they received, but we still knew he was ours. We began buying him clothes, decorated his room, and imagined calling him Jax (we changed his name).

Megan and I often reflect on the moments of vulnerability and craziness we endured in the adoption process. We went so long without any news or progress on his case, we were going crazy with anticipation... hello shopping therapy! Eileen, our adoption coordinator from Family Lutheran Services was a huge support, as were our family and friends. When we traveled to Texas to meet our son after being chosen to be his parents, we were shocked at his living conditions. He was one of twelve medically fragile kids in a group home, somehow called a foster home. He threw up on him self all day and night, had no early intervention or therapies in place for his delays, and was stuck in front of giant TV 90% of the time. There were kids in every corner of the room, laying on the floor, ignored. We were shocked. He moved here with nothing and we were told he would basically not be able to be do anything. He was written off.

Since Jax has come home to NC, he has been attending the Infant/Toddler program at Gateway Education Center and has made huge strides in his physical and intellectual developments.

He gets specialized speech, physical, and occupational therapy and is taught in a classroom with his peers. I can not even begin to tell you how much he has changed and how great he is doing. It's seriously like night and day. Even the professionals at his school didn't think he would come this far so fast. Jax has been fully accepted into our family and he is growing and changing everyday. We are so excited for our future and already know we will be adopting again. We are still unsure if we will adopt another special needs child or a typically developing child, but we know that our family isn't done growing. I would recommend adoption to any family who thinks they can provide a safe and loving home to a child.

You can read more about Shana and Megan on their blog, http://carignanadoption.blogspot.com/